He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
