I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
