i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
