i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
