i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
