thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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