Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
