I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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