i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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