I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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