dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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