I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
