i think my tv is drunk
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
