I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
