hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
