Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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