Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
