just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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