Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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