All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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