my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
