im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
