Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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