i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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