yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
