Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
