Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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