What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
