I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
