I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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