You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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