Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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