EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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