Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
