drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
