found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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