People in love make me want to vomit
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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