I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
