You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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