I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize