You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
