i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
