I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize