She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
