does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
