On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize