If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Your dad touched me again.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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