Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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