my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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