Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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