i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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