It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
