I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
