saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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